You may think that these behaviours will get your partner all revved up. Sarah Stefanson tells you why they might backfire.When you are with one person for a significant period of time, your sex life can become a bit routine.  One day you realize that you are using the same position in the same location for the same duration every time.  How did this happen?  Chances are you got in this groove because whatever you’re doing feels good to both of you.  You know each other well enough that you can predict his or her responses before you even touch them.  This is a good thing, but it can also get a little boring sometimes.  

Want to shake things up with your lover?  Many lifestyle magazines, including The Soko, have plenty of suggestions for how to do so, but few resources will tell you what not to do.  Of course, everyone is different and the following actions might get your partner all hot and bothered, but for the majority, these behaviours are likely to get you a night on the couch.

Flirt

Flirting with each other is a great way to get the fires burning and taking it out of the house is even more effective.  Go to a pub or coffee shop and flirt over beverages like you did when you were first dating.  You might not get through your drink before heading home to get busy.

Unfortunately, many people think that flirting with people other than their partner is a good way to get things going.  I’m sure you’ve seen that girl who asks a stranger to dance just so she can look over his shoulder at her boy sitting across the room.  Or the guy who doesn’t put up much of a fight when two drunk girls sandwich him on the dance floor, glancing over at his girlfriend and throwing his hands up in the air.

In the first case, this can be downright dangerous.  The male temper is easily enflamed in such a situation and your boyfriend might not understand that you’re just dancing with the other guy to provoke his interest.  In fact, he might just take it out on the random guy you’ve chosen to make him jealous.  Bar fights aren’t sexy.

If you’re the guy being sandwiched, this is also a fabulous way to screw things up.  Girls don’t respond well to this sort of thing.  Though cat fights are infinitely more interesting than a couple of guys duking it out, if you want your relationship to be harmonious at the end of the night, the best thing to do would be to politely refuse the two intoxicated girls and sit back down with your girl.

Trying to make your partner jealous could easily backfire and result in hurt feelings and possibly physical injury.

Dirty Talk

You’ve got to be really careful with the kind of pillow talk you’re using when trying to get your partner excited.  Some people really like having dirty things whispered in their ear during sex and others get extremely turned off.  There may also be certain words or phrases that your partner doesn’t like to hear.  Watch his or her reaction to what you’re saying.  If she gives you an uncomfortable half smile or he immediately kisses you to shut you up, your words may not be working.  If, on the other hand, your sweet nothings are met with increased heart rate, heavy breathing and a genuine look of desire, you’re probably saying the right thing.

Beyond Boundaries

It’s good to push the boundaries every once in a while.  It can lead to great new experiences that can bring you and your partner closer.  However, you should be very careful in your exploration, not to step over clear lines your partner is drawing.  If she has made it very clear that the idea of a threesome does nothing for her, do not bring it up while you’re making love.  If he has no interest in exhibitionism, don’t try to convince him to get busy in the park.  

You should be able to tell the difference between things your partner genuinely does not want to do and those that he or she needs more convincing to pursue.  Once it is made clear what your partner is really not interested in, don’t push it by bringing it up again.

Going Elsewhere

Say you feel that you need oral sex and your girlfriend thinks it’s icky.  Talk to her about it, ask her what the problem is and see if you can make it more pleasant for her.  You should not, for any reason, tell her that if she won’t do it, you’ll get it elsewhere.  Would you really want to get sexual favours from your girl just because she was scared you’d cheat on her if she didn’t?  

If you’ve truly come to a stalemate and your partner won’t do something that you feel you can’t do without, you have to make the decision to either move on to someone new or sacrifice this act for the sake of your relationship.  Maybe your relationship is progressive and open enough to allow some kind of arrangement for seeking your specific fantasies elsewhere, but if it isn’t, don’t use threats or intimidation to get what you want.  It will destroy any trust you have between you.

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not sure? ask!

If you’re not sure if she likes what you’re whispering in her ear or you can’t tell if he needs a little more encouragement to perform outdoors, just ask!  The best and only sure way to find out what your partner is thinking is to honestly and openly communicate with them.