Santa Claus

I don’t think anyone really expects Santa to be a knockout.  I don’t care if the world’s greatest stylists went to work on him, he’d still be a red-faced, fat, old man -- just in a nice suit.

That being said, Santa’s ensemble does work in places.  The beard suits the season and he is conscious enough to keep the cookie crumbs out of his whiskers.  Other than the occasional pipe, he doesn’t smoke, so there’s none of that disgusting yellow mange in his beard.  The leather boots and gloves, plus the big belt buckle are all classy or trendy.

The only knock would be his weird fetish for fur.  He’s got it on his hat, around the neck of his jacket, around the wrists and the belly, it’s even on his boots.  Who is this guy, Elizabeth Taylor?  At least he’s thought ahead though:  when the ‘Fur Is Murder’ protesters splash him with paint, it’ll just blend in with the red velvet.  Kudos Santa, you’re always one step ahead.

Charlie Brown

Around Christmas, Charlie Brown takes a huge risk.  He changes his shirt.  The rest of the Peanuts must have sighed in relief when he took that smelly, filthy yellow rag off, but unfortunately, what he replaced it with wasn’t much better.  His red coat is a fine choice and no one’s complaining about that, but the ear-flapped hunter’s cap?  Good grief!  Even hunters don’t wear those things.  Charlie should take a cue from Linus and switch up for a toque.  Christmas is a whole lot less depressing when you don’t look like an idiot.

Jesus Christ

The one shining star of the Christmas season is, of course, the guy it’s named after:  J.C.  The perfectly cropped beard and silky, soft long locks scream 1970s Glenn Frey and, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to look that good?  His skin is immaculate, his grooming divine and what with all the frankincense, he probably smelled pretty good too.  Since it was 1900 years before the advent of antiperspirant, that’s saying a lot.  Though pants would have been the better choice, the all white linen gown works because he’s working it.  This holiday season if you want to dress for success, go for the Jesus look…that or just a nice Gap sweater would probably work.

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festive fashion

This holiday season, when you’re pulling on your reindeer sweater and lacing up your Kodiak fur-lined boots, don’t feel so bad.  The cold weather and bad gifts bring out the worst in a man’s fashion sense.  It’s a burden we all carry, even Santa Claus.  So rest assured that other than the occasional George Clooney look-alike at the next Xmas party you attend, the only person better dressed than you this December is the Son of God.